10.To Stay HERE Or To Go There

Sir Oliver's Granny

Whenever I walk with sir Oliver, and especially when he walks slowly, sniffing every scent that he tracks down, so I can take in my environment quietly. Certain things I didn’t notice before, are within my awareness now. It is as if sir Oliver shows me my own world in a different way.

Now when I walk slowly or stand still, I can look at people or look inside houses without being seen as a Peeping Tom. The dog is my alibi and no one seems to see it as strange when I stare at things. Maybe at first people are suspicious about what I’m doing, as soon as they see sir Oliver, it is okay for me to stand still and have a look at anything of my interest.

Already as a child I was taught that it is not polite to stare at people or peek inside their homes for more than just a second. So now when doing so, I do feel a bit uncomfortable, and at the same time only staring at the pavement is no fun either. Already as a child I loved to look inside the houses of other people when it was dark outside and the lights were on. As if I could have a glimpse into a different world, when looking inside peoples homes. It absolutely triggered my fantasy, and I was imagining living there. Those desires are no longer there, now it is more reliving the feelings I had as a child, excitement, curiosity and being the observer without having to participate.

On my afternoon walk I was just at the end of our street passing by an apartment building. A guy with a trolley bag and a bouquet of flowers went to the main entrance and rang one of the bells. I watched this little play take place. The guy tried to open the door with the trolley bag and flowers in his hands and pushed instead of pulling. Then he stepped back after the door didn’t open. I was already considering helping the guy out. Then he placed the bouquet of flowers on a little wall and parked his trolley bag besides it. I was looking a bit from above behind some bushes where sir Oliver was still sniffing around. The guy walked a few steps and disappeared with his abdomen behind some bushes. I was surprised about what this guy was doing? I saw him with his arms down in front of his body where the hands were behind the bushes. Was he peeing?

At this point I was aware of me staring at the guy, who didn’t notice me, as far as I could see. It was almost as watching a soap or movie, I had no idea what was happening, where the script writer leaves you with a cliff hanger. Sir Oliver was ready to move on, but I wasn’t. I wanted to know if the guy, who was obvious visiting someone or came home after a trip, was peeing in the front garden of the apartment building or not. I had to leave, since sir Oliver became restless and wanted to move on. Due to being ashamed of my almost voyeuristic behavior, except for it not being sexual explicit, I walked further almost thinking I did something wrong.

When walking further I was no longer here, I couldn’t let go of the thoughts and questions my mind had challenged me with. Why would he pee in the bushes before visiting someone or coming home? Who prefers peeing outside instead of using a bathroom? Was he ashamed for having to pee on his arrival? It didn’t make any sense and it took me a while to get back with sir Oliver again within a reality I could interpret, a reality that is not shorting my thoughts nor brain.

With every walk I try to be here with the weather, my senses and sir Oliver. Some days it’s a breeze and as today it was hard to stay focussed on my commitment to stay here and not entertain myself with thoughts and play outs that are of no addition to what is really here. What was here, was a guy behind a bush, that’s it and I could have just moved on. Instead I followed my thoughts and lost the why I was there in the first place. I was there to enjoy my walk with sir Oliver, here and now, without any fantasies.

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