30. When The Rebel Comes Through

Sir Oliver's Granny

Yesterday we had, the 2 men of the Laboratory Beagle Foundation, over for a house visit and we absolutely had a pleasant gathering. There was only one point that offended me, in a way that I immediately started questioning the information that was given to me. I could partly see what happened inside of me and saw no way to address it in the moment. The result was that almost right away after the men had  left, I noticed I had a stiff neck.

To me, a stiff neck that hurts when I try to move, means inflexibility. So what had they said that offended me and how did this eventually made me inflexible?

One of the men asked us how many times we walk sir Oliver, and we answered proudly 3 times a day. The men expressed that 4 times is the minimum a Beagle needs. So what we were doing was not in line with what sir Oliver needs. Despite the fact that he doesn’t pee or poop in the house due to not being able to hold it in, with a 3 times per day walk. My mind took it right away as: you are wrong, you are doing it wrong, aaaannnd you must do it this way.

Now that is a construct or pattern I am familiar with, it’s my so called rebelling character, when I suspect people want to make me do things whom I consider more than me. I then see them as an authority, while they mostly are not. It’s my labeling that makes them in my eyes an authority figure that must be obeyed. My standard response to this is doing the opposite, rebel against it. Mostly not so much in deeds, more so in thoughts or spoken words. So then the nasty stuff comes out. “Who do they think they are, to tell me what to do!” And then mostly the plan is already brewed within my mind. “I will not walk 4 times a day, 3 times is the limit!!”

By then I feel really sick of being controlled and rational common sense thoughts like: this will assist sir Oliver, it might make him happy to go on a late short walk and do his last pee, will not appear. At that moment it is all about me. I am not going to do what they are saying, because I believe that they are compelling me to do it. This state, I bring myself in, from a point of inferiority where I react within myself with superiority, is quite hard to move out. At least I can see it at a certain point now, and no longer take it as normal behavior or coping mechanism which it is not.

So the thought:”I will not walk sir Oliver a fourth time”, was stuck inside of my body and manifested itself as a stiff and inflexible neck. In between owning my own creation and getting to a point of understanding there was self-pity as well. The “I take the whole world on my shoulder’ syndrome, and making the whole issue into a heavy issue. Which made my shoulders sore as well.

As soon as I was able to own my creation I asked myself if walking him 10-15 minutes extra on a daily base would make a huge difference for me, and asking myself if these extra 15 minutes would make a difference for sir Oliver? The answers were no and yes, in that same order. That was the only question to ask, all the emotional fuss around it were diversion mechanisms. I did not want to do the fourth walk, only because I felt forced,  while I wasn’t. Someone did a call on my common sense and I responded polite on the outside and anarchistic on the inside.

The only question I have to ask is whether it is good for sir Oliver and for me at the same time. When it compromises my schedule, another family member, can take the responsibility and take over. It’s a joined adventure, so why not honor that and spread the responsibilities. I’ve been so much looking at how to be good and do good that I had reached a point of not wanting to bite off more than I can chew and felt my limits were reached, while it was the way I looked at this task, through the eyes of my rebel character that made it the straw that broke the camel’s back. While in fact the camel is still in good shape.

Owning my problem was the first step that already lessened my pain in my neck and shoulder area. Quitting the habit will really deal with the problem. And do the walk and not making it into a problem, but simply walk the problem.

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