33. Dreaming

Sir Oliver's Granny

Day dreaming is for some of us a way to escape reality for a moment. For others dreaming is their worst nightmare when they close their eyes at night. Sir Oliver has no problems with sleeping, let alone dreaming. For dogs dreaming is a quick way to process their day to day experiences as well as traumatic experiences, which takes them longer of course to process. In the beginning sir Oliver dreamt a lot with a lot of movement throughout his entire body. Now he is fairly quiet when sleeping, except for his snoring of course.

For me sleeping, is touching my pillow with my head and I am gone to dreamland, and waking up 6-6,5 hours later to get up again. I hardly remember if or when I have been dreaming, and after last night I did remember my dream. It was such a nice example of how things come together and how we can learn from our own dreams, that I would like to share it.

There were 2 events that happened before the dream was fabricated. The first event was a question, one of the 2 men of the foundation, asked me. The question was whether I had ever let sir Oliver’s leash slip out of my hands? My answer was no, we’ve got quite a solid leash that goes around my wrist, and I absolutely try to avoid this from happening. I did notice that the question had touched upon a fear inside of me about loosing sir Oliver while he is following trails and I am not able to get him back to me. The foundation has been warning new caregivers that we better keep the Beagles on a leash, so that’s what we do. I had been suppressing this fear, saying to myself that it was not cool to scare myself off with having these thoughts, while it is not something that is already here yet to worry about.

Then the second event was the visit of my parents and them seeing sir Oliver for the first time. At a certain moment my mother wanted to go to her car to get her coat, she opened the front door with sir Oliver standing in the hallway, without any leash or someone holding him back. I was shocked of the sudden action of my mother and her not being aware of what was appropriate in that situation. As soon as I understood what was happening, I grabbed sir Oliver by the collar so nothing happened, though it scared me.

Subsequently I had the following dream last night:

I am rushing out of a house, walking into a front garden and seeing a platinum blonde middle aged woman holding my dog onto his collar, while he is pulling to escape her and the garden. She ends up holding the collar in her hand, while my dog goes off outside the garden.

The woman is now outside of the garden with my dog’s collar in her hand. I am standing inside the garden and a wooden bar fence, up until breast height, is in between the woman and I. The fence feels familiar and the whole scenery gives me the impression that it is my front yard and my home. Not that I recognized any of it.

When I am in front of the fence I tell the woman, who is still standing on the other side of my fence on a dirt road, to go after my dog and fix the situation. Somehow I feel restricted by the fence and order the woman to go after my dog. The woman starts running, which makes me all of a sudden decide, to follow her and my dog. After 200m/656ft the road turns into a bridge over a wide and wild river. Brown water with chambers and splashing white foam is underneath us. My dog runs over the bridge and then jumps into the river. I yell at the woman that she has to go after him. I somehow had the impression that she will have a better chance in succeeding. I hear bystanders say that the dog has no chance to survive in such cold water.The overall feeling  I have is one of loss and not being able to fix the problem myself, feeling restricted, and following the woman to make sure things are okay. And then I woke up from the alarm of my phone.

What I can see and take with me from this dream is my fear to lose sir Oliver. I can see that the blonde woman I am as well, only the version of me I would like to be, with a wooden fence in between me and who I want to be as a temporarily restriction. Where in my dream I am looking through the eyes of the person that I consider to be me, I order the woman around, check her and want her to do miracles for me, in order to force my control onto the situation.  Here I can see my bossy character that is sometimes in my way, this character is in the process of change. As where the woman indeed let sir Oliver escape, and I did blame her for that, while at the same time she took responsibility for it without hesitating one moment, not panicking and blaming others, doing what was needed without being a rebel like I mostly are, and not doing it her own way. Somehow I had faith in this woman, as she was quiet and doing what needed to be done, even though she had fucked up, when she lost sir Oliver.

Looking back on my dream, there is one wooden fence in between me and who I want to be, so it’s time to not paint the fence again, but disassemble the fence, a bar at a time. My fear of losing sir Oliver brought me in a way a gift, through dreaming about it and sending myself the message to have trust within myself. I had faith/trust in this blonde woman, the woman I want to be, so I do trust myself as long as I do not let the fence be up and let fear make me bossy, dominant and in control. So I will gift myself the word ‘self-trust’, as I have seen who I can be in a stressful situation when I trust myself.

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